


We Start Believing That We Belong

by DragonWrites



Series: Shooting Stars: A Series of Davenport & Lup Fics [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: A little angst but a lot of fluff, And Davenport being terrible with feelings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Everyone on the Starblaster is a Hot Mess but they love each other and that's canon, Gen, Rated T for brief innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-01 14:31:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15145187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWrites/pseuds/DragonWrites
Summary: 10 years into their mission, Captain Davenport decides to moderate some team-building exercises without actually participating in them himself.  Lup doesn't let him get away with it.





	We Start Believing That We Belong

"And I guess…"  Magnus rubbed the back of his head, looking pointedly past everyone's shoulders at the Starblaster's front windows, "I mean, I _know_ we get these weird resets.  That as far as we know, death isn't permanent.  But I still…have these nightmares that I'm unable to protect anyone.  And I get up in the middle of the night and, like…this is gonna sound weird!"  He was blushing furiously.  "I walk around as quietly as I can and like…check in on everyone, make sure you're like…still _there_ and breathing."  He closed his mouth tightly as the blush spread to his ears.  "I know it's weird, but—"

"Wait, you do the breath check too?" said Barry abruptly, sitting up.  He was blushing too, but he'd been blushing from the beginning.  "I thought I was the only one!"  And he gave his nervous, gravelly Barry-laugh, and then Magnus was laughing, big tears spilling down his cheeks. 

"Hey, how about that!"  Magnus lifted one hand for a high five.  "Breath Check buddies!"

Grinning sheepishly, Barry weakly high-fived him, then shook out his hand as if he'd hit it against a brick wall.

"So I guess, in conclusion," said Magnus, straightening up from his spot on the couch, "I—I really love you guys and sometimes I'm afraid I won't be able to protect you."  He was full-on crying now.  "And I love you all!"

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Lup cooed.  "We love ya too, big guy!"

"Yeah," added Taako, "no shame on the love train here!  But then, how can you not love Taako?"

Magnus made a noise that was a snort and a roaring laugh all at once, clapping Taako between the shoulder blades.  There was more laughter around the circle.  Lucretia discreetly dabbed at her eyes with a well-sodden handkerchief.

"Thank you for sharing, Magnus."  Davenport looked down at the dusty handbook he'd unearthed from the Starblaster's storage lockers:  an old IPRE guide to teambuilding exercises.  He'd stuffed his berth, once, with several handbooks and procedural guides in preparation for what was supposed to be a two-month journey to the edges of their own planar system, but most of them had proven useless in the face of their new reality.  Realities.  Davenport still occasionally thumbed through them.  For comfort, he supposed.  To be reminded of a time when life still made sense and could be broken down into codes and procedures.

He didn't remember when, during mission prep, he'd decided to bring along this particular handbook.  But after ten years, and with a seemingly endless journey in front of them, it seemed like the sort of thing to do.  It seemed like the sort of thing the crew needed.

He glanced at the next steps.  "Okay, so that's about everybody.  Next, we'll do a wrap-up, going around the circle once more, and you can choose to say something brief, particularly looking towards the future.  Something you hope for, perhaps, or something you want to take with you going forward—"

"Wait," said Lup suddenly.  "What about you, Captain?  You didn't go yet."

Davenport cleared his throat.  "Well, that's because I'm, ah, the moderator."  He pointed to the manual as if it were Exhibit A.  Which, obviously, it was.

"Yeah, but you're still part of the team," Merle drawled.  "You're still part of this."

He glanced down at the pages open on his lap.  "I'm not sure if that's…ah…how it's supposed to work…"  He scanned the procedural steps, even as some tiny voice in the back of his brain hoped that it didn't work like that.  He was the _captain_ , he couldn't—

The book caught fire.  He smacked it aside with a shout, nearly falling out of his chair in the process.  The flaming book landed in the center of the circle, then exploded as Lup finished it off with a magic missile. 

She blew smoke from her fingertip.  "Oh, I think we're way past how things are supposed to work."

"Lup!"  Davenport leapt off the chair, but the elf just lounged against her brother on the couch, wearing matched careless smiles.  "That was—that was inappropriate and extremely dangerous!"

"I mean, she has a point," said Magnus.  "Maybe not about the fire thing, but…You're our leader, sure, and isn't part of leading, you know, building up trust?"

"Yeah, and we literally have all the time we need," said Taako.  "I mean, in the grand scheme of things but also, like, you blocked off this entire afternoon for this big ol' Trust Bonding exercise, so we're not going anywhere."  He flicked his hands to the side.  "So, in a way, this whole thing is your fault, Cap, and definitely not Lup's."

Davenport huffed, and sat back down.  "Fine.  We'll talk later, Lup, about the unauthorized use of flame spells inside the ship.  But for now…"  He clenched and unclenched his fists.  "I suppose I'll go."   The rest of his crew leaned forward.  Six pairs of eyes fixed on him.

He took a deep breath, flicking through his thoughts like they were a stack of index cards:  putting them in order, setting some aside, adding others.  Just like any other Institute presentation.  "Well.  This has been a very…strange journey.  Not at all what I expected or signed on for."  Next card.  "But despite the frequent irregularities, I am very…proud of all of you."  Next card.  "Every day you consistently surprise and impress me with your skill, your dedication to each other and to the mission, and even your unconventional methods and ability to think outside the box."  Next card.  "It has truly been an honor serving as your captain."  Wrap up, and done.

Silence greeted him.  Was he, as moderator, supposed to thank himself for his contribution?  That didn't make sense.  But he hadn't thought to designate a back-up moderator.  Should he have done that?

"Wait, hold up!" said Taako.  "What in the seven hells was that?"

"Yeah, that wasn't a trust exercise, captain," said Lup.  "That was an awards ceremony speech."

Taako groaned.  "And here I was, baring my soul to you dinguses like a chump, when I coulda just given you all a firm handshake and a 'Good job, champ!'"

Davenport could feel his shoulder muscles clamping up.  He sat straighter in his chair.  "I was honest, wasn't I?  I _meant_ that, Taako."

"I'm sure you did, homie, but it wasn't exactly a big reveal, was it?  I mean, we all already _know_ we're the best damn crew in all of existence."

Merle cleared his throat.  "Dav," he said in a more even tone that still did little to ease Davenport's rising blood pressure.  "I think your crew wants a little more from you than what you've thrown in the pot.  I know there's more to you than just being the captain."  He gave Davenport a long, level look.

The camping trip.  Of course.  Cycle 1.  He'd said things to Merle, shared parts of his life that he'd never mentioned to anyone else on the crew in ten years.  He supposed…"Well, all right."  He took another deep breath.  "As you're already aware, I was part of the team that designed and built the Starblaster.  It was a culmination of my life's work, and I'm—well, I'm ridiculously proud of this ship.  Sometimes I feel, um, protective of it.  Like it's my, um, baby."  Oh gods, he could feel his face turning red.

Another pause.  Merle leaned closer.  "You wanna go a little deeper than that?"

"Yeah, I mean…"  Magnus rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.  "Is there anything you're afraid of?  Or that you, like, secretly hope for?"    

"Yeah," Barry piped up, "it's okay to be vulnerable.  That's what this whole thing is about, right?  Like how I'm afraid of the dark."

Davenport could feel not just his shoulders but something inside him lock up.  Like gears that suddenly wouldn't turn.  He stared blankly at Magnus and Barry.  He sensed a headache coming on, heard his blood pounding in his ears.  He honestly didn't know what to say.

The silence stretched on awkwardly.  He knew this Trust Bond exercise would fall apart if he clammed up right now; the wall between him and his crew would only worsen, and he'd forever be known as the one who couldn't trust the others when they trusted him.  But he felt utterly blank.  Like some subconscious part of his brain had taken all his soft spots and stuffed them in a lockbox and hidden them away for safety in an undisclosed location.   

"Okay, okay," said Lup, swinging her legs down from the couch.  "Let's try something different."  She stood and unhooked her red uniform robe, letting it fall to the floor at her feet.  Their current world was a warm one, and beneath the robe she was wearing hot pink shorts and a tank top that read 'The Hotter Twin'.  "Everybody, take your uniforms off.  You too, captain."

Davenport's throat came unstuck.  "What?"

"Wait, is this some kinda ship fic?" Magnus asked.

If possible, Barry blushed even redder.  "Yeah, I'm not sure if—if I—"

"Don't be a goofus," said Lup.  "We're not having big group naked times unless everybody is okay with it.  And frankly I don't think we are."  A devilish twinkle glinted in her eye.  "Not yet, at least."  She turned to Davenport.  "But I think you're still thinking like a Captain overseeing his crew, and you need to get past that.  So, everyone into your civvies, and we'll just be a big group of friends hanging out and swapping life stories, okay?" 

Davenport began to sputter an excuse but she cut him off again, hooking an accusatory finger towards him.  "And I know for a fact you're wearing a white dress shirt under your jacket, so it's not like I'm asking you to strip in front of your crew.  Just think of it as Casual Friday."

The rest of the crew had already taken off their red jackets and robes and were tossing them into a big pile in the center of the room, like some sort of growing fabric bonfire.  They were looking at him.  They were looking _to_ him.

He sighed, raked his fingers through his hair.  All right.  He could do this.  It was simple.  Very carefully he began to unbutton his finely-tailored uniform jacket, realizing as he did so that he had never actually removed it in front of the crew like this before.  He removed it, if needed, in the med bay when being patched up, or if he was working on the engine and didn't want to get black grease smudges over the fine red fabric.  But even late at night over cups of coffee, or during impromptu parties, even in the most casual of circumstances, he always had it on.  He needed to look at his best in front of the crew.  To look like a captain, to look like the Person In Control. 

Hell, he didn't even come out of his berth for breakfast until he was completely put together. 

His fingers hovered over the final button.  _Is this my uniform,_ he wondered with a sudden and uncomfortable clarity, _or a suit of armor?_

He shrugged it over his small shoulders, folded it, and very carefully laid it on top of the pile.  And then he composed himself in his chair.

Lup gave him a long and appraising look.  "Hmm, better.  But there's still…"  She circled around him.  "Ah, there's the problem.  You're still sitting like you're in a board room."

Davenport's patience was wearing thin.  "So you want me to not sit, now?"

"What I _want_ is for you to relax.  But your spine is like a little crowbar."  She looked around the room, and cracked her knuckles.  "You know what?  I think you could use a good shoulder rub."

Taako whooped.  "That's right, sis!  Show him how we do in New Elfington." 

"Wait, what??"  Davenport rose to his feet but Lup pushed him back into his seat.  The much-taller elf placed the heel of one hand at the top of Davenport's spine, and curled the fingers of her other hand over his left shoulder, and pulled the shoulder back.

Davenport clenched his jaw as his shoulder muscles were stretched apart.  "Lup, shoulder rubs are not part of—aaaahhh!!"  His spine popped in two places.

"Now I'mma need you to relax, dear," said Lup with infuriating casualness.  "'Cause this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.  But it'll hurt less if you relax."  She made a _tch_ in the back of her throat.  "My, your shoulders are rock-hard.  You're tenser than Barry, and that is saying a LOT."

His shoulders were on fire.  Every trained part of him screamed at the indignity of being manhandled by his subordinate in front of the rest of the crew, and an old embarrassed rage he thought he'd left behind in his youth came roaring back.  _They don't respect you because you're small, they think you're just a silly little gnome they can push around and you can't do a thing because they're so much bigger than you, if you don't assert your authority now they'll never respect you again, you have to--_

Lup's hands loosened their grip.  "Hey Davenport," she said quietly, next to his ear, "will you let me take care of you?"

The angry roar in his head died down.  He saw through the haze that none of the others were even looking at him anymore.  Taako was coaching everybody to throw blankets and cushions onto the floor and gather together, and with a flick of his hands he conjured hairbrushes and bottles of enamel from the bathroom and was encouraging everyone to exchange shoulder rubs or brush each other's hair or paint each other's nails, whatever they were comfortable with, no pressure, it's just pampering time.  And everyone was getting in on it, even shy Lucretia offered to brush Taako's hair and wilting Barry was asking Magnus for an exchange of shoulder rubs and Merle had somehow produced a bunch of flowers and was weaving them into Magnus's sideburns and Lucretia's ponytail.

And something inside of Davenport unclenched, and his spine loosened, and the heel of Lup's hand pressed gently but firmly into muscles he hadn't realized had been quietly aching for a long time.  He let go of a ragged, heavy breath.

"There, that's much better," Lup cooed over him.  "How does that feel?"

"…Better," he said.  "Though this still feels…"  He mulled over what word he wanted.  "Strange."

"It's going to, at first," said Lup.  "We all have our comfort zones, and it takes a lot to push past them.  Hold on, I'm gonna try some heat."  And she spoke a little invocation, and her hands grew suddenly warmer, gently radiating like bricks by a fireplace.

Another breath left him as his shoulders gradually loosened.  "Public speaking," he said quietly, carefully, looking at his hands.  "I'm afraid of public speaking."

The room fell quiet.  Not the quiet of shock or bemusement, just…an open invitation.

He was gripping his knees tightly.  He forced his fingers to loosen.  "When I was very young, I had a stutter.  A slight one, but noticeable.  A lot of people treated me like an idiot."  Now his fingers were tapping restlessly against his thighs.  "I worked past it as I grew older, but there were still times—even at the Institute—where I just dreaded speaking in front of any kind of crowd.  And it always ended up being fine, but that didn't make it any less scary.  My biggest fear, back then, was opening my mouth and…and being completely unable to say anything."  A small chuckle bubbled up past his lips.  "It's funny, it took encountering the Hunger to finally make me stop worrying about _that_."

The comfortable silence that followed was broken by Magnus clapping, the sound loud and ringing in the common area.  "Way to go, Cap'nport!" he whooped.  "Nice share!"

Davenport felt the heat crawl across his face, in a way that had nothing to do with the proximity of Lup's hands.

"Not sure if it means anything to you," said Barry, peering over Magnus's broad shoulder, "but I've always thought of you as one of the most well-spoken people I know."

"Thanks, Barry.  It does mean a lot to hear it."  He managed a grin.  "Though clearly I need to work more on articulating my feelings." 

Lup snort-laughed.  "Slow but steady," she said, moving onto his other shoulder. 

Davenport chewed over his next words.  Being this open made him feel dizzy, a little unmoored—but there was a strange and terrifying freedom to it, not unlike doing a nose-dive at the Starblaster's helm.  "Hey," he said, "if I may ask a rather self-indulgent question…?"

"Let 'er rip!" said Merle.  "We're all ears."

Another deep breath.  "Remember the press conference the day before we left home?  I know it seems—well, rather pointless now, but…"  He shook his head, and the laugh this time was a little bitter.  "Did I…sound okay?  I never saw the video, and that night when everyone else was at the bar, I was holed up in my office thinking I'd made a fool of myself on live TV and nobody actually told me."

"Nah, you did fine!" said Lup.  "Every inch the erudite scientist and captain.  Even if most of the questions they asked you were stupid."

"I thought you sounded great," Lucretia piped up.  She almost immediately piped down again, looking flustered.  "We might not have gotten a recording, but I did, um, write it down in my journal.  If you ever want to re-read it."

Davenport smiled.  "I think I'd love to, Lucretia."

Taako sighed, looking up from where he was painting Merle's nails bright green.  "Our world's last good day," he said quietly. 

A soft melancholy fell like snow in the room.  Davenport shuddered despite the warmth of Lup's hands.  His foot tapped restlessly, and he realized that more words were pushing up out of some dark place inside him.  A soft, sad place he had been trying to lock away for too long.

"Look, I—" he began, then stopped again, shaking his head.  "You know what's really messed with me this whole time?  The stars.  They're different in every world, and I have to keep relearning them every time.  But we're only ever in one place for a year, so it's not like I'll ever truly… _know_ them.  Not in the same way I knew the stars of home."  He looked out through the Starblaster's front windows.  The local suns were dropping towards the horizon, but no stars were out yet.  "It's like having to re-learn how to read, every year.  And—and every time we arrive somewhere new, I can't help but feel like I have no idea where I am or where I'm going, because the stars are all wrong." 

The quiet of the room was heavier now.  He felt his muscles tense back up, despite Lup's efforts.  "I'm the captain," he continued.  "I'm supposed to be the one to lead, but when the stars are always different, I feel…lost.  Like I'm not leading anywhere, I'm just stumbling around in the dark and you all just happen to be following me."  Another deep breath, to try to steady his suddenly racing heart.  "I'm sorry," he finished. 

Lup's hands slowed.  She gave his shoulder a brief squeeze.  "You have nothing to apologize for," she said.  "It's okay to be a little lost.  At least we're all lost together.  And, to be a little sentimentally cheesy, Cap'nport, I think we're our own little constellation here.  So whenever you're feeling lost, you can use us to navigate by."  Another squeeze, and then she let him go.

Davenport felt his throat tighten.  "Thanks, Lup," he said.  He looked at the others gathered in this ship which had become their strange little home; and at the pile of red uniforms, with his neatly folded on top.  He felt…well, not naked exactly, but like he'd pried open that hard little box inside him and unpacked it, just a little.  Maybe he would unpack more in the future, but for now….This was enough, for now. 

But he wouldn't pack himself up again just yet.  He slipped to the floor, joining the rest of his crew _._   And he picked up a bottle of dark enamel, a cool blue-black with a soft shimmer that reminded him of a night sky.  Wordlessly, he held it up to Taako, who was closing up the bottle of bright green while Merle blew gently on his fingernails to dry them.

"That the color you want, homie?" Taako asked.

"Yes.  Um, please."

The elf winked at him.  "You got it.  One Captain's Special coming up!"  And he uncorked the bottle, and Davenport held out his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, I got a lot of great responses to my first Dav & Lup story so I'm here with more! This one I actually wrote a while back and initially didn't intend to post it, but since people seem to be into this dynamic, I thought, why the heck not? Maybe you'll like this one, too?
> 
> Title is from the song "Waving Through A Window," which I always felt was kind of a good song for mind-wiped!Davenport.


End file.
